Oh, how I hate Christmas and its gradual build-up from the beginning of November to the fateful day. The desire to put oneself into debt and stress oneself out puzzles me somewhat, so much so that I finally decided to stop celebrating the event back in 2010. Oh you grouch, you may say but I have actually felt better in myself through not celebrating Christmas. That said, I still buy family members presents because it would be wrong of me to force my decision upon them who, for some reason, still wish to celebrate. Of course, my decision really only helps my family as I am still trying to find the money to buy presents for them whilst gaining nothing for myself so I really shot myself in the foot but I still feel better in myself.
So, why am I so blue over this Christmas? The answer is simple – I have not got the money to start buying presents for my family so they are going to suffer this year. The on-going situation of escalating bills and day-to-day living costs has seriously affected my ability to purchase the gifts I would like to buy my family. I do not expect presents at Christmas anymore so I can live without them but my family are different. I am not saying that they are only into Christmas for the presents but they have more fun at Christmas tearing into wrapping paper. Their eyes light up (well, one of them has lit up eyes) and they seem happy for a short while in a world that is so full of darkness and misery the rest of the year.
When I decided not to be a hypocrite anymore and stopped celebrating Christmas, I thought that I would still be able to help the rest of my family have a good time but now I realise that, starting this year, I may not be able to maintain the illusion for them. I am a miserable old fart (I have that on authoritative opinion from my consultant psychiatrist) and this is yet another blow to my chances of grabbing a little bit of happiness by being able to help others be happy at this festive time. My desperation to find some way of getting some money together is just going to make me feel worse as I fail to do so. Christmas has not meant anything to me for a long time but, until this year, it has at least not been another way for me to fail my family. This year, Christmas is going to be just another reason to hate myself and the hateful thing is that it is not even my fault. I can try all I like to find employment but the likelihood is that I will not be able to get a job fast enough to earn enough money quickly enough to buy my family presents and, unlike previous years, my benefit money does not stretch far enough to be able to compensate.
I really fucking hate Christmas!
Until next time…
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