Considering the future

I am really putting a lot of thought into my future right now.  Should I stop writing my blogs?  Should I stop trying to change the world for the better?  Should I just be as selfish as most human beings are and just do stuff for myself?

I am considering these questions and more because, no matter what I do, I seem to make enemies for myself, damage my employment chances and hardly anyone listens to me anyway.  I am fed up of wasting my breath and my writing ability on a world and a society that really does not care.  I spent almost three years helping mental health service users and carers have their voice heard at the commissioning level only to have the mental health commissioners drop those of us who wanted to continue the good work we had done through a new organisation.  After that time and all the training that we had received in that period, we have been dumped with no real ‘thank you’ or even the tiniest bit of funding to help us set up on our own.

I have no illusions that, in my attempts to make life better for mental health service users and carers or to make organisations run properly, I have made a lot of enemies with my forthright attitude and the fact that I speak my mind.  This means that, in my local area, I have been black-balled by people who are not as conscientious or precise as me and some avenues have been closed off to me.  I have even been threatened with physical violence and suffered verbal assaults from such people.

I have been called upon to do the odd assignment for Your Thurrock, a local news website, but I am no nearer actually getting a job that will help me improve my life.  I am not even sure how many people read my blogs and news items on Your Thurrock.  I suppose it is a way of building up a portfolio of journalistic work but will it lead to a job in that field?  Who knows?

I could look at getting a journalism qualification but, as a mature student and only on benefits with no personal savings, how could I afford the course and its associated costs?  Then, would any employer take on someone with only another 20 years of working life left?  Would they not be looking for a fresh-faced youth with 40-odd years left before retirement?

I am about to lose my access to mental health services and I am under attack by my own Government for no other reason than I have a mental health problem and am out of work because of it.  I go to bed every night hoping I will die during the night and wake up every morning horrified that I am still alive.  I hate being the way I am and knowing that nothing I do to improve my life has had that desired effect.

I am sick and tired of being used, abused and picked on whilst I am trying to do the best I can for myself and the community I live in.  I have a lot of thinking to do as to whether it really is worth me even bothering to stay involved with the rest of the human race.