Some humorous thoughts on internet and communication surveillance

Some people are getting worried about the fact that America’s NSA and the UK’s GCHQ are spying on our e-mails, our internet traffic and our phone calls and it is indeed worrying to a certain extent but nothing that people should get into too much of a tizzy about.  Let’s face it - you weren’t worried before you knew, were you?

Yes, the NSA has banks of computers that are programmed to trigger deeper surveillance if certain words are used in e-mails, messages or blogs, such as “democracy”, “freedom of speech”, “bomb”, “terrorist”, “assassination”, “porn” or “bisexual cum-guzzling sluts” but that just means that you have to be more careful how you word your ‘War on Terror’ themed orgy invitations.

The same computers even check on everything you post on your chosen social media platform to make sure that anything you post isn’t genuinely the activity of a terror suspect or someone who just wants true democracy.  Either way, the NSA will keep an eye on you as a subversive because anyone who wants true democracy is a danger to the status quo (the establishment, not the band).

It’s also true that the NSA has a legion of people listening into your private phone calls too.  Probably thousands of them.  All this really means is that you have to be careful when making your dirty phone calls or when prank calling random numbers (“Is your refrigerator running?  Yes?  Well, you best get after it then!”).  

Don’t forget to stress the words ‘ice cream’ when you are placing an order for an ice cream bombe from your local patisserie or make the context of any words that could be potentially misinterpreted when spoken.

Some words, however, cannot be misinterpreted and you must be ready to face the consequences of saying that “democracy” doesn’t exist in your country or that politicians should be made “accountable”.

Of course, the NSA is the greater threat to freedom of internet and telecommunications because they have the resources to throw behind such nefarious work.  Here in the UK, the work is carried out by GCHQ whose total resources comprise of a septuagenarian busybody called Gladys who uses one of the old-style telephone exchange boards to listen in to random phone calls and a steam-driven computer from the 1960s that allows Gladys to pick random e-mails to read while she continues to knit.  GCHQ were going to update the computer to one that ran on electricity generated by peddling on an exercise bike but Gladys has terrible arthritis can couldn’t peddle so they’re waiting until she dies at her post before upgrading.

So, if you live in the UK, if you hear a click-click-click on the phone, give Gladys a shout out or place little messages to her in your e-mails to let her know you’re thinking of her.

Finally, don’t be scared about the level of intrusion into your personal correspondence and internet outpourings because at least it means that someone out there is listening to you and isn’t that what everyone wants?

Spoof letters to Iain Duncan Smith

Here are some spoof letters I wish I had the guts to send to Iain Duncan Smith.

Dear Mr Smith (or is it Duncan Smith?),

A lot of people get confused as to what your surname is; some say it is ‘Smith’ and some say it is ‘Duncan Smith’.  I think it would be really helpful if you could clear up this matter for all concerned.  Perhaps, if ‘Duncan’ is a surname, you could hyphenate your surname to make it entirely clear to the ignorant plebs you think the rest of the human race are that your surname is ‘Duncan-Smith’.

Just trying to be helpful.

Regards,

Myles Cook

Dear Mr Duncan Smith,

I think you’re doing a wonderful job culling the poor, sick and disabled of the UK to make sure that only the people with a reasonable income inhabit the lower strata of society.  It’s about time that someone such as yourself had the backbone to do the dirty job of ridding society of the deadwood and restore some resemblance of racial purity into UK society.

See you at the next Conservative Party conference.

With the greatest admiration,

S. A. Tan

Dear Mr Duncan Smith,

My friend and I are planning a trip to Auschwitz for a group of people to commemorate the Holocaust and we have a spare free place.  We were wondering if you would like to come on the trip with us.  I’m sure it will give you a very memorable experience as the memories of working there during the war in your previous life come flooding back.

Who knows?  It might even give you some ideas for setting up extermination camps for the poor, sick and disabled in the UK.  I’m sure Mr Cameron would be extremely pleased at you being able to enact The Final Solution you have both been looking for.

Regards,

A. Hitler (deceased)

Dear Mr Duncan Smith,

I want to play a game.

Regards,

Jigsaw

Dear Mr Duncan Smith,

My friends and I were discussing you and your welfare reforms the other day and we came to an impasse in our discussion that we were hoping you would be able to clarify the issue for us.

Half of us maintain that you are a conscienceless cunt who is punishing the poor, sick and disabled for being a spectacular failure as a party leader who got dumped before he could fight an election and half of us maintain that you are a closet Nazi, possibly the bastard son of one of the few straight Nazi top brass who escaped justice, and you are trying to bring about a new Holocaust here in the UK.  Could you tell us which it is?

Regards,

Andrew Smith

Dear Mr Duncan Smith,

Do you get the feeling that someone is trying to waste your time with letters of no consequence just to annoy you?

Regards,

Myles Cook

'To do' list

As I have a bad memory I have decided to write myself these little 'To do' lists to remind me of the things I'm behind on.  This is my latest one:

1. Write my first article/paper for The Enlightenment Project's politics group.
2. Read the rest of The Selfish Capitalist.
3. Write a poem dedicated to all those who sent prayers and best wishes when I needed them during Merlin's illness.
4. Write an article about cruelty to animals.
5. Write my first article/paper for The Enlightenment Project's philosophy group.
6. Type up and publish the response I got from my local MP from the letter I sent her and published on this blog.
7. Start planning my campaign for a National Veterinary Health Service.
8. Work on my plans for the mental health service user involvement project.
9. Begin Operation Global Takeover.

I, perhaps, shouldn't have added that last item.  Oh well, LOL.

Electoral reform (Saw style)!

We are a week away from the day of reckoning on the Alternative Vote referendum but will it truly be an acceptable change if it goes through?  Nick Clegg once said that AV was a miserable little compromise compared with the other alternatives in the electoral reform debate.  In my opinion, I don’t think AV will make MPs more accountable, likable or more trustworthy so I have come up with a rather outlandish and controversial version of electoral reform that will ensure that MPs will actually do what’s best for their constituents rather than what’s best for their party or themselves.

I am a fan of the Saw film franchise and believe that we can learn a lot from Jigsaw’s philosophy, perhaps not his methods but I think we should go with something I believe would work.  Not only would this idea help get a truly representative set of MPs but it would help with our ever-growing population problem.

Prospective candidates for public office would be taken to a location with traps similar to the ones in the Saw films and they would be hooked up to portable lie detector machines.  The candidates would then have to go around our trap-laden location in which people from their constituency will be caught up in the middle of dilemmas that will result in their serious injury or death if the candidate is not willing to do what is necessary to rescue them at the expense of pain for themselves.  During the whole experience, the candidates would also be asked questions that would reveal their true intentions for running for office – self-interest or the public good – and, should they lie, the trap in the room will be triggered and the candidate will suffer the consequences in pain and mutilation.  By the end of the trial by fire, we will truly have representative MPs who will do what’s best for the country as a whole because it will be ingrained in their thinking due to the experience.  We’d also have hours of reality television programming to broadcast.  Just think of the money we could make on the DVD sales alone!

I want to play a game. 

You are seeking public office but are you prepared to do what is best for the people you represent or are you seeking only to benefit yourself?  Are you telling your constituents the truth when you say you wish to represent them for their benefit?

In the traps that lie ahead of you are members of your constituency.  Are you prepared to do what is necessary to save them, knowing that you will have to endure pain to do so?

You are also hooked up to a lie detector that will trigger the trap in the room in which you are standing and cause you pain through increasingly high electric shocks.  Are you prepared to tell the truth to save your constituent?

You have sixty minutes to prove your worthiness for public office.

Let the games begin!

Budget Day

The UK waits with baited breath to find out just how screwed we are going to be by the Government.  The poorest will more than likely bear the brunt of any hikes in taxation and various other charges with the upper and middle classes being considerably less hit.  I, for one, don't think it's fair that the poorest are worst hit all the time, call me an old softie if you like, but I feel that the better off in society should shoulder more of the burden.  Of course, the Government is run by a bunch of public school dicks who are so out of touch with the 'real world' that they might as well be considered a different species (somewhere between single celled organisms and pond scum) and, as such, have a warped view of the world as it is.

It's interesting that one of the current Government's strategies is to encourgage wealthy people to come here by fast-tracking their immigration applications - the more money they agree to house here, the faster they get through the process - but these wealthy people don't have to pay the UK any money, just have it in a bank in this country.  David Mitchell, on last week's 10o'Clock Live (Channel 4), likened this to the UK whoring itself out to the highest bidder and he felt that the wealthy people who want to take advantage of the UK in this manner should have to pay £1 million a year direct to the Treasury like a kind of rent with a £2 million deposit to cover breakages.  I can't see why this would prove to be a problem.  Under the current strategy, the Treasury would only get a fraction of that from the tax on the money these people would be obliged to keep here.  As David Mitchell put it - if we're going to act like a whore, we should take the money up-front before we get fucked.

Mitchell's idea is the way this Government should be working - making the well-off pay the most and leaving the poorest alone.  What we need are proper Robin Hood taxes.  'Boy George' Osborne should give the poorest people in the country a break.

Christmas Quotes 2010

The other day I bumped into Santa Claus. A good bump it was, too! I ought to have been arrested, for there is no open season on Santa Claus. But sometimes a first class collision is an exciting thing. It will knock the wind out of you, and it may knock an idea into your head.

True, this Santa Claus did not have the white cotton whiskers or a red coat, but she was the real thing all right! Santa Claus in the flesh and plenty of it.

A lady who looked like an animated Christmas tree with packages dangling from very limb and I bumped and spilled. As I was trying to pick up the packages she gasped out, Oh, I hate Christmas anyhow! It turns everything upside down.

To which I said, That is just what it was made for. This lofty sentiment did not stop her dirty looks at all. But it is the big thing about Christmas.

Halford E. Luccock, Whoops! It's Christmas! from A Sprig of Holly, pp. 11

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
Kin Hubbard (1868 - 1930)

Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected.

Jimmy Cannon

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family...

Berke Breathed, Bloom County Babylon

The South East of England is a joke

All we've had is about 6 inches of snow and the whole place grinds to a halt.  Further up north they have had much more snow and still manage to cope.  Countries like Canada regularly have snowfall in feet rather than inches and still they function.  Everyone must be well and truly laughing at the South East of England and I can't blame them.

'Tis the silly season

I have made a great study of the Christmas period over the years and have come up with what I believe is the standard timetable for the silly season.  Placing the timetable on to this year I will give you the map to guide your Christmas festivities:

Phase One (29 November - 5 December):  Anxiety starts to build that you haven't bought any presents.  You search high and low for any money that has been lost down the back of the sofa to supplement what's left of your wages.  Thoughts turn to the coming Christmas party at work.

Phase Two (6 December - 12 December):  First round of Christmas parties.  You've completely forgotten to buy any presents but, as you're half drunk or hungover most of the time, you don't really care.  You start choosing the people you want to get off with at the party at work.  You complain that the roads around the shopping mall are gridlocked but can't think why.  Christmas cards start arriving through the post so you go out and buy the cheapest box of cards you can to reciprocate.

Phase Three (13 December - 19 December):  Anxiety turns to worry as you finally remember about not having got any presents.  Worry turns to anger as the shops are packed solid with other people desperately trying to buy their loved ones presents (they may even be buying some for their family!).  You see the petrol that you bought at a highly inflated price disappear as you're stuck in a gridlock for hours on end.  The work's Christmas party turns into a free for all as everyone grabs at the nearest available alcohol to make it easier to get off with their chosen colleague.  Some smart ass decides to photocopy their naked butt and pins up the copies all over the place.  People start to take bets on whose butt it is.  Alcohol levels are getting so high that you're endangering your life but that's OK because it's Christmas.

Phase Four (20 December - 23 December):  You suffer from alcohol related total amnesia and a sense that you may have really embarrassed yourself but can't think how.

Phase Five (24 December):  Full blown panic attack as you regain your memory and realise that it's Christmas Eve and you haven't finished the Christmas shopping.  You call work to tell them that you're sick so that you can spend what you can of the day (when you're not stuck in traffic) trying to rush around the shops.  Grocery shopping is more like a trolley dash as you grab things off the shelves and hope that it's something you and your family like.

Phase Six (25 December - 26 December):  Eat, drink and be merry until you open your presents and are extremely disappointed with yet another pair of novelty socks and things from the pound store.

Phase Seven (27 December - 30 December):  Over-indulgence makes it impossible to get to work so you sit watching crap on the TV and moaning about the crap you were given as presents.  Some adventurous people may make it out to the shops to return their gifts for store credit.

Phase Eight (31 December - 1 January):  Getting drunk with family and friends whilst making New Year's Resolutions that are almost immediately broken and forgotten.

Phase Nine (2 January - 9 January):  Slow detoxing from the Christmas period.

Hope this timetable is of help to you!

Oooooooooooo, isn't it cold?

I don't know about you but I'm loving the cold weather.  Thanks to the chill in the air, the shops have been almost empty of people and the roads have been surprisingly clear of traffic.  I'm not saying that I like the cold itself, only the advantages afforded to those of us brave enough to go out in it.

Christmas, on the other hand, I can well do without.  The relentless bloody happiness.  The stress.  The crowded shops.  The inevitable "X Factor" Christmas single.  Who needs it?  I'm going to treat this Christmas as just another day, no better or worse than the one before and the one before that.  I think that Scrooge had the right idea - let me keep Christmas in my way and you keep it in yours.

Variations on a theme

Today's Variations on a Theme are based on the saying "If at first you don't succeed..."

...lower your expectations.

...redefine success.

...it probably wasn't worth bothering with anyway.

...cheat.

...it's quite possible that you are way too evolved to be debasing yourself with such matters.

...perhaps you should have applied yourself more.  I mean, how hard can it be to make a woman achieve orgasm?

...you should really have a look at the instruction manual.

...try it again but this time with your eyes open.

...ask for help.  I mean, that's why you pretend to be good at working in a team in your job - to give yourself a bunch of people who may actually know what they're doing to take the pressure off of you.

Feel free to add your own!

Stupid TV game shows

Well, we finally have proof that we are sliding down the evolutionary tree faster than ever with the new game show Heads or Tails on Channel 5.  Could there be a more pathetic waste of air time?  What next, I wonder?  Guess which hand it's in?

The TV game show is the perfect indicator for how the public has become so obsessed with getting their fifteen minutes of fame and grabbing easy money.  Big Brother started out as a psychological/socialogical experiment and ended up as a breeding ground for a huge number of wannabes who paraded their ignorance and outrageous behaviour in order to win over the gullible public so they could grasp the large cash prize and their chance of a career in the media.  Deal or No Deal represented yet another low point with its collection of contestants treating a game of chance as a test of skill (as if skill really has anything to do with it) and all the fake camaraderie.  The Colour of Money is another game show that is a simple game of chance dressed up to look like a test of skill although it is a good test of how money-grabbing you happen to be.  Golden Balls, another game of chance, also shows how duplicitous the public can really be when there's the possibility of easy money going begging.

Well, to just throw some ideas out there, here are a couple of suggestions for game shows.  They are only meant as a joke but watch out for them on the TV soon.

The Answer is Two:  A game show that has questions that all have two as an answer (such as "Fill in the missing number in the following sequence: 1, _, 3, 4, 5, 6" or "How many apples in a pair?".  There can be a number of possible answers to choose from and a long drawn-out pause between the contestant giving the answer and the host revealing whether they are correct or not.  Of course, there can be an intellectual version with harder questions such as "What is the answer if you take the number of manifestations of God from the New Testament and take away one?"

I'm Thinking of a Number:  The host thinks of a number between 1 and 10.  If the contestant guesses correctly they can go on to higher and higher prizes.  Of course, to keep it within the intellectual ability of most game show contestants, choice will have to be really easy such as "I'm thinking of a number between 5 and 7". 

Of course, if either of these shows makes it onto our TV screens I will have to blow up the offending TV station(s).

Pondering the mysteries of the Universe

If it takes one man four hours to dig a hole, shouldn't he ask for help?

If stars are so hot, why is space so cold?

If it only takes a good man to do nothing to let evil prosper, what happens if an evil man does nothing?

If time is a constant, why does it always drag when you're bored?

Did the Universe start with a Big Bang or was it a quiet dinner party?

If the space between the nucleus of an atom and it's electrons is so large, does that mean that the Universe is made of nothing?

If we know the world exists only through our own perceptions, when I'm not around does everything in the Universe apart from my immediate location cease to exist?

If Christmas is supposed to be a time of happiness, why do we feel so stressed and miserable until it's all over?

All answers gratefully received.