I think
the title of this entry says it all really.
Today is a really terrible day for me as I feel the loss of my beloved cat
Merlin even more keenly than the preceding days.
It’s
not the inability to remember what he looked like that’s the problem but the
fact that he left a gigantic hole in my life and there’s nothing in the world
that can fill it. Waves of tearfulness
come crashing down upon me and they are wearing me down as it is in the nature
of water to do so.
No one
in my life understands just how deeply I am wounded and how hollow and
meaningless my life has become. Losing
Merlin came upon a tsunami of misfortunes that have decimated what I laughingly
refer to as my life and, whilst I have somewhat overcome some of those
misfortunes, there are still enough continuing to damage my fragile psyche.
Oh, I
can whack out some humorous memes and make the odd humorous remark but inside I’m
dying, pieces of my soul worn away by grief, loneliness and the eternal
blackness within which I live.
The
light that once shone throughout my life has gone and, piece by piece, it’s
killing me. The most stupid things
trigger suicidal thoughts in me and I feel the greatest urge to act upon them
so that I can be with my beloved Merlin even though I know that there is
nothing beyond this torturous life. My
head feels as though it is numb and filled with cotton wool.
I don’t
think I’ll be able to make it through Christmas without something giving.
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