Some thoughts on friendship

I was chatting with an online friend last night who asked me a very interesting question – what does friendship mean to me?  As will be no surprise to regular readers of this blog, I don’t have much experience of having friends and most of that experience is of the online friend variety so I had to think about what answer I should give.  What does friendship mean to me?  After a relatively sleepless night, I finally came up with an answer I think sums up my feelings on the subject and I thought I’d offer it to you, dear reader, for your edification.

I feel that I have a rather old-fashioned view of friendship and I separate the designation into two groups – the true friend and the fair-weather friend.  I will, for the purposes of this blog, only discuss the only really important type of friend – the true friend.

True friendship can only come from a mutual respect for one another and, to be really successful, a mutual set of intrinsic values.  You can get away with conflicting interests because you can pursue your interests with other people and not have it adversely affect one’s friendship, although similar interests can strengthen a friendship so mutually compatible interests shouldn’t be ignored, however, conflicting values will weaken a friendship to the point at which it becomes untenable.

What defines true friendship is being honest with your friends and not trying to hide behind a lie just to fit into a person’s circle of friends.  Lies about your supposedly shared values, beliefs and interests will be found out eventually so, although I wrote at length on the subject of honesty not being the best policy, in the case of friendships, honesty is vital.

True friends also need to support one another, not just in the good times but, more especially, in the bad times and being loyal to someone who has supported you is of utmost importance to a successful friendship.  Turning one’s back on a friend who has supported you through thick and thin is rather distasteful and disingenuous to the loyalty they have shown to you.

Friends of the true variety also need to know when support cannot be given and accept that a person sometimes needs to travel along life’s highway alone for a period.  This neither weakens the friendship nor denigrates the value of a friendship but is simply a fact of life.  There will be times when being a friend means letting a person find their own way through the problems they may have until they are in a position to be able to accept the help offered to them by a friend.

Part of friendship is also knowing when a friendship has run its course and that a parting of the ways is in order.  Whether the parting is acrimonious or civil is of little consequence, it is the knowing and the accompanying action that are important.  Trying to keep a friendship alive beyond its natural expiration date is disingenuous and potentially hurtful to both parties, leaving much devastation in its wake.

True friendship is a gift that should be cherished because, although we may have many acquaintances in our lives, true friends are very rare.  If we are lucky, a true friendship may last a lifetime but that is not always the case but that does not make a shorter friendship less true, it merely follows the saying that people enter your life for a reason, a season or for a lifetime.

Life is fleeting and is essentially a lonely affair made palatable only by love and friendship so we should learn to be loyal and caring to those friends and lovers who enter our lives and cherish each moment we spend in their company; life would otherwise be unbearable.

Some humorous thoughts on internet and communication surveillance

Some people are getting worried about the fact that America’s NSA and the UK’s GCHQ are spying on our e-mails, our internet traffic and our phone calls and it is indeed worrying to a certain extent but nothing that people should get into too much of a tizzy about.  Let’s face it - you weren’t worried before you knew, were you?

Yes, the NSA has banks of computers that are programmed to trigger deeper surveillance if certain words are used in e-mails, messages or blogs, such as “democracy”, “freedom of speech”, “bomb”, “terrorist”, “assassination”, “porn” or “bisexual cum-guzzling sluts” but that just means that you have to be more careful how you word your ‘War on Terror’ themed orgy invitations.

The same computers even check on everything you post on your chosen social media platform to make sure that anything you post isn’t genuinely the activity of a terror suspect or someone who just wants true democracy.  Either way, the NSA will keep an eye on you as a subversive because anyone who wants true democracy is a danger to the status quo (the establishment, not the band).

It’s also true that the NSA has a legion of people listening into your private phone calls too.  Probably thousands of them.  All this really means is that you have to be careful when making your dirty phone calls or when prank calling random numbers (“Is your refrigerator running?  Yes?  Well, you best get after it then!”).  

Don’t forget to stress the words ‘ice cream’ when you are placing an order for an ice cream bombe from your local patisserie or make the context of any words that could be potentially misinterpreted when spoken.

Some words, however, cannot be misinterpreted and you must be ready to face the consequences of saying that “democracy” doesn’t exist in your country or that politicians should be made “accountable”.

Of course, the NSA is the greater threat to freedom of internet and telecommunications because they have the resources to throw behind such nefarious work.  Here in the UK, the work is carried out by GCHQ whose total resources comprise of a septuagenarian busybody called Gladys who uses one of the old-style telephone exchange boards to listen in to random phone calls and a steam-driven computer from the 1960s that allows Gladys to pick random e-mails to read while she continues to knit.  GCHQ were going to update the computer to one that ran on electricity generated by peddling on an exercise bike but Gladys has terrible arthritis can couldn’t peddle so they’re waiting until she dies at her post before upgrading.

So, if you live in the UK, if you hear a click-click-click on the phone, give Gladys a shout out or place little messages to her in your e-mails to let her know you’re thinking of her.

Finally, don’t be scared about the level of intrusion into your personal correspondence and internet outpourings because at least it means that someone out there is listening to you and isn’t that what everyone wants?

Tuesday 22nd April 2014

My life truly is cursed. 

I sent off my CV to the e-mail address in the Thurrock Gazette to try to get myself a job as a Trainee Accounts Clerk just a short time ago and I received an e-mail in reply telling me that the Gazette had made a mistake.  The vacancy was for a Ships Agent Operator instead.  Being desperate for a job as I now have no income, I e-mailed back to ask if they could send details of that vacancy instead.  I got a quick reply with the devastating news that it was for an experienced Ships Agent Operator.

People keep telling me that I should get a job but when I try I get screwed over by the Universe yet again.  How am I supposed to get a job when people who have jobs make such mistakes and get away with it?

I wanted to go to the local employment agency today but I am now stuck indoors waiting for the council to call me back regarding my claim for Housing Benefit and Council Tax Support.

I know I’m not really ready to go back to work, recent events have proved that, but I have no choice than to set myself up to fail by taking any job I can to get some money coming in and gain back some of the self-worth I have been robbed of.

I was so close to being ready for work again with the steps I had been taking and the work I had been doing and now I’m back to square one again.  In fact, I’m probably in a worse position now because I have no financial support anymore.  If I had tears left to cry I’d probably be drowning in them by now.

Sunday 20th April 2014

My headache remains unabated and it’s really getting me down.

I received a letter from Thurrock Council with the results of my application for Housing Benefit (HB) and Council Tax Support (CTS) yesterday.  My claim for CTS was thrown out altogether and I will only receive £7.02 a week in HB on a rent that’s £100.75 per week.  That’s not even enough to cover my food and the other living expenses that I used to pay out from the benefit that I lost recently.  I don’t know how the council expect us to survive.

I would have gotten an Easter egg for my soon-to-be ex-wife as she celebrates Easter but I couldn’t afford to get one so Easter has been ruined for her.  I don’t give a crap for myself but then I’m not a religious person.  It does hurt me that Diana suffers at times like this though.  I know Easter eggs have nothing to do with the real meaning of Easter but at least it’s something to help celebrate.

The current situation regarding the cessation of my benefits has totally emasculated me.  It’s not as though I haven’t been doing what this Government has been asking of me but they took away my benefit all the same.  I now have to go cap in hand to Diana for every little thing I need – food, travel expenses.  It was bad enough beforehand but now I can’t do anything because I don’t have any money.  I’m trying to find work but it’s not easy to find something in this economic climate and what I find will probably make my depression worse and push me back onto benefits even if I’m lucky to get through the interview and get the job.

Despite being ranked as the second most disabling condition in the world by the World Health Organisation, depression is still seen in an extremely negative light.  It’s seen in the light of the overly-used term meaning ‘a touch of the blues’ rather than as the serious silent killer it truly is.  With the negative view given to mental ill-health anyway, depressives are further stigmatised by the view that depression is the common cold of the mental health world and people just don’t see the hardship suffering with depression truly represents.

The only thing getting me through each day at the moment is re-reading the text messages from the stranger who stopped me committing suicide a week ago but I’m not sure how long even that will save me from falling into darkness again.  Unless something good happens soon I may be lost to the darkness forever.

Why I chose to call myself ‘Valen’

WARNING: If you haven’t seen the TV show Babylon 5 but were planning to, this blog contains spoilers.

I don’t think I’ve ever explained my choice of pseudonym before, or if I have I haven’t done so fully, so I thought I’d explain my choice now, especially as I received the following comment from a right-wing critic on a comment stream on a piece on Your Thurrock that I didn’t even write:

“All you need to know about Myles is that he calls himself Valen. Valen is a semi-messianic character from the Sci Fi show Babylon 5. And he calls me a loon!”

That’s a very interesting, if incorrect, observation regarding the character from Babylon 5 and requires a look at the definition of the term ‘messianic’:

 

messianic

adj 
1.  (Bible) Bible (sometimes capital)

a.    of or relating to the Messiah, his awaited deliverance of the Jews, or the new age of peace expected to follow this 
b.    of or relating to Jesus Christ or the salvation believed to have been brought by him 

2.  (Government, Politics & Diplomacy)

a.    of or relating to any popular leader promising deliverance or an ideal era of peace and prosperity

b.    of or relating to promises of this kind or to an ideal era of this kind

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

 So, before I explain my choice of pseudonym, let’s correct my critic on the inaccuracy in his comment, shall we?

The character of Valen in Babylon 5 is not semi-messianic as the first definition, that of association with Christ, is more accurately laid at the feet of the character of Captain John Sheridan who died and rose again and became seen as the deliverer from darkness, personified by the Shadows.

The second definition hardly applies to Valen either because, although he was a great leader, he never promised deliverance or an ideal era of peace and prosperity.  Valen was simply a man who became revered as a great leader because of his great military strategies and his philosophical way of dealing with matters.  He was known as being “a Minbari not born of Minbari”, a revelation that would be explained in the third season of the show when Commander Jeffrey Sinclair, a human, was transformed into a Minbari by an alien artifact and travelled back in time.  Every prophesy attributed to Valen was actually Sinclair remembering the events that took place in his life as a human.  His philosophical way of dealing with things was a product of his upbringing and need to mediate.  His military prowess came from his unwillingness to see more death than he needed to see due to the events in the final battle with the Minbari before they surrendered to the humans.

Valen never promised deliverance because deliverance from the Shadows was already a historical fact to Sinclair during his human life.  Valen didn’t bring about an era of peace and prosperity; he brought about a military victory against an enemy.  The era that followed was relatively peaceful in galactic terms but there were still wars and strife and there was no guarantee of prosperity for the survivors of the Great War against the Shadows.  Valen did bring relative peace to the Minbari but this was simply due to the fact that he got the three castes working together because of his need to mediate.  He brought peace but never promised it.

Valen was simply a man, a human called Jeffrey Sinclair, who sacrificed his human existence to become a Minbari.  He didn’t choose that fate.  It was thrust upon him by events written a thousand years before his birth.  He was a human who knew that conflict is always supposed to be the last resort and tried wherever possible to find a non-violent solution to a situation.  He was a reluctant leader who was happy enough with his mid-level rank and who wished to protect his friends from an altered timeline in which they would be killed if he didn’t accept his role in a history already written.

Yes, I did call my critic a loon but, as he obviously has no idea about the character of Valen, I should also add ‘ignorant’ to his list of accolades.

So, why did I choose the name ‘Valen’ as my pseudonym?

I chose it because I liked the character of Jeffrey Sinclair.  He was a man of peace but also a great warrior.  He was a man who was willing to sacrifice himself for his friends.  He was a man who cared about the ordinary men and women under his area of authority.  He was a man who sought peaceful solutions to conflicts.  He was a man who endured great hardships and survived.  He was a man who was not afraid of standing up against his superiors when faced with injustice.  And isn’t that worth adopting the name of the person he became?

I think it’s a good enough reason to want to take the name of Valen because I’d like to be like that character and there certainly aren’t any real-life role models who come close to that integrity.

Valen is also a real name, not just a fictional one on a sci-fi show.  I may have been exposed to the name on Babylon 5 but it’s a good name that happens to be real too.

There are many rationales for choosing a specific name when one wants to change one’s name but I think that choosing a name because it sounds nice and because it represents an aspirational figure, even if that figure is fictional, seems like a pretty good rationale to me.

I have been a leader (and a good one if those I led are to be believed) but I have always been a reluctant one.  I prefer not to resort to violence but am not willing to bow down to those in power when I see an injustice.  I am a man who willingly sacrifices his privacy to offer people a glimpse into what it’s like to have depression and, as a result, sacrifice my ability to get a job because I can’t then hide my mental ill-health from prospective employers, leaving me at the mercy of stigma and discrimination.  I am a man who would willingly sacrifice himself for a friend or loved one.  I am a man who seeks a better way of handling society’s problems.  I am a man who endures hardship on a daily basis.  I am a man who does not offer promises of deliverance or an era of peace and prosperity.  I am a man who offers suggestions for a different way of thinking and wishes to provoke debate on important issues of the day.  I am Valen.