Sunday 20th April 2014

My headache remains unabated and it’s really getting me down.

I received a letter from Thurrock Council with the results of my application for Housing Benefit (HB) and Council Tax Support (CTS) yesterday.  My claim for CTS was thrown out altogether and I will only receive £7.02 a week in HB on a rent that’s £100.75 per week.  That’s not even enough to cover my food and the other living expenses that I used to pay out from the benefit that I lost recently.  I don’t know how the council expect us to survive.

I would have gotten an Easter egg for my soon-to-be ex-wife as she celebrates Easter but I couldn’t afford to get one so Easter has been ruined for her.  I don’t give a crap for myself but then I’m not a religious person.  It does hurt me that Diana suffers at times like this though.  I know Easter eggs have nothing to do with the real meaning of Easter but at least it’s something to help celebrate.

The current situation regarding the cessation of my benefits has totally emasculated me.  It’s not as though I haven’t been doing what this Government has been asking of me but they took away my benefit all the same.  I now have to go cap in hand to Diana for every little thing I need – food, travel expenses.  It was bad enough beforehand but now I can’t do anything because I don’t have any money.  I’m trying to find work but it’s not easy to find something in this economic climate and what I find will probably make my depression worse and push me back onto benefits even if I’m lucky to get through the interview and get the job.

Despite being ranked as the second most disabling condition in the world by the World Health Organisation, depression is still seen in an extremely negative light.  It’s seen in the light of the overly-used term meaning ‘a touch of the blues’ rather than as the serious silent killer it truly is.  With the negative view given to mental ill-health anyway, depressives are further stigmatised by the view that depression is the common cold of the mental health world and people just don’t see the hardship suffering with depression truly represents.

The only thing getting me through each day at the moment is re-reading the text messages from the stranger who stopped me committing suicide a week ago but I’m not sure how long even that will save me from falling into darkness again.  Unless something good happens soon I may be lost to the darkness forever.