29th November 2008
A little voice urged me to stop reading the book on
Schopenhauer and start to read “Memories, Dreams, Reflections” by C G
Jung. I’ve been putting off reading it
for ages but now I seem to need to read it with the utmost urgency so I bow to
the wishes of that little voice.
30th November 2008
Yesterday I read 103 pages of Jung’s book!
At last I have found someone who understands the
duality in my personality! Despite
having died a decade before my birth, I find in Jung a kind of kindred spirit
plagued as he was with a duality of personality and our philosophical studies
have followed a similar path – Hegel, Schopenhauer and then Kant (which is next
on my personal reading list). I am now a
little more at peace with myself and my little voice has told me that I need
not read any more today. As I reflect on
my new-found kindred spirit’s words I feel that the start of my journey is not
far off.
6th December 2008
I do not dream in the accepted sense; my midnight
movies are more like previews of coming attractions. Last night I was assailed by two such
fragments the first of which I have been plagued by for weeks now. It involves me in a medieval setting and
concerns two necklaces of which I am the owner – one is crystal, the other
metal – and being magically attacked for possession of them. More detail I cannot give as the memory fades
almost as soon as I finally wake up, usually in drool. The other dream involves me finding the
mortal remains of five people who have been skinned very expertly, placed in
some kind of trunk or holdall (the skins only) and then the receptacles are
dumped in a ditch where I find them. How
I miss the nights of dreamless sleep of the days before I started taking happy
pills.
7th December 2008
I hate Sundays.
They are a horrific reminder of the coming working week (not that I’m
working at the moment but the sense of dread remains just the same). As each hour passes, the spectre of Monday
gains a tangibility until it materialises like a mugger from the shadows of an
alleyway. It shouldn’t affect me like
this as every day feels like a Sunday to me now and I seem to live in a state
of constant dread. We decorated for
Christmas today but I felt no sense of happiness and even Christmas music seems
hollow to me now.
11th December 2008
Sitting here listening to jazz and reflecting on
events at the Open Arts session.
Surprisingly my poems received a good reaction, even the two I wrote
about 1AM this morning. Maybe I am a
poet after all. Was still hard to read
them in front of the attendees but it was a little easier than last week. I received a massive ego boost when a woman
from the group read out a piece she had written and claimed it was due to me
that she wrote it. Can there be greater
praise than to be an inspiration to someone?
Another lady told me that I made her cry with my poetry last week – not just
once but twice. It seems as though my
poems are able to touch people’s hearts in some inexplicable way.
12th December 2008
For the first time I had a dream with Grandma in
it. She only appeared within moments of
me waking up but I woke up feeling happier than usual. It’s been twenty years and a handful of
months since Grandma died and I’ve missed her every day. In some way it’s like she came back for me
because she knows I need help. It’s been
a long time – maybe she stopped for a chat!
I’ve been reflecting on the events since my suicide attempt and I’m
getting the impression that I’m heading for a moment of revelation. I believe that the following few months will
be especially important for me. I am
being driven by an irresistible force towards an understanding of myself. Whether that is good or bad remains to be
seen.
14th December 2008
I had another dream last night and this one seems very
important to me. I was in a huge library
filled not only with books but also letters and other pieces of paper. The books seemed to rearrange themselves on
the shelves as though being moved by some invisible librarian. I picked one of the letters and it seemed to
be from Great Uncle Arthur. All of a
sudden I was overcome with sadness as I realised that the letter had been
received after his death. The letter
said that Arthur had wanted to see me and that he missed me. In reality, Great Uncle Arthur and I hardly
knew each other but I did like him although I’m not sure that either of us
would have missed each other to that degree.
The letter, however, brought a clear picture of Arthur into my mind and
that’s the most important part of the dream.
It seems that the library is actually a repository of memories not
necessarily representing truly received books or letters but each item
affording the dreamer access to a forgotten picture or actual memory of a loved
one or forgotten event. Emotions seem to
be represented by items in the library too.
If I can learn to use this dream library, I may be able to access my
forgotten past. Perhaps this dream
library is a manifestation of the collective unconscious and a dreamer could
access anyone’s memories with correct use of the library. I must try to dream of the library
again. The question I keep asking myself
is “why am I having so many dreams”? I
have had a lot of different dreams in the last two or three weeks and I can’t
put it all down to my meds or the books I’ve been reading. There seems to be a change happening to me, a
change within me, but I have no idea what the change is or why it’s happening
to me. I know that I’ve been different
since my suicide attempt, angrier at times, even deeper in darkness than I have
ever been but I also seem to be at peace at times with myself, with
everything. I know that I have found
great strength from the knowledge that Jung found a way of coping with his
duality of personality. I would say that
it gives me hope of coping with mine but hope is not something I allow myself
anymore as my hopes are always dashed.
When the time is right I shall legally cast off my name and adopt my
chosen name. I will ask people to use my
chosen name in the meantime as a courtesy to me and to allow them to get used
to using it.
17th December 2008 *
Finished reading Jung’s autobiography last night and
started reading “The Undiscovered Self” before going to Lakeside where, thanks
to a headful of thoughts, a slight dizzy spell and a stupid error in spatial
awareness, I managed to rip a big hole in my sweatshirt sleeve. Took the bus home as the dizziness
returned. Have been reading like a man
possessed and have, as a result, already finished “The Undiscovered Self”. A curious thing has occurred to me and that
is that I have been listening to jazz music whilst reading. This is curious to me for reasons unknown to
me as I have had music on whilst reading before, it just seems as though it must
be important to note it at this moment in time.
Is it important to me to have this type of mellow assault on my auditory
system during this particular time of study, reflection and, most importantly
for me, creative release? If so, why is
it important? So many questions, so few
answers. My intuitive little voice is
telling me to leave my studying of Jung, to break my current path of study and
seek a new avenue for a short time so that I do not overextend myself and
become disenchanted with Jung. I am
inclined to trust my little voice as it has proven itself valuable to me in the
last couple of weeks and I have decided to turn my attention back towards
politics with a view to read a book on anarchism. Maybe I need the assault on multiple sensory
systems to drown out the crushing banality of my existence.
2nd January 2009
I have decided to get another pre-pay internet card
next week as, apart from a couple of occasions, I haven’t been on the internet
for over a month now. Part of me is
looking forward to rejoining the internet community with the few friends I have
made online, however, a part of me is almost frightened to go back online and
possibly bump into some of the people responsible for my suicide attempt. I don’t want to get dragged into that false
existence again – not after the gains I have made in the last few weeks. I can hardly deny the attractiveness of my
cyber-life though. I have gained a level
of acceptance on the internet that I haven’t had in my real life but is that
because I am a different person when I’m online? Or are people online just a bit more
accepting of people? Another reason for
my fear of going back online is that there are a number of ghosts that refuse
to be put to rest awaiting my return to the internet and I’m not sure that I’m
up to facing them just yet – the emotions surrounding them are just too
overpowering or that’s how they seem now at least. Perhaps I should get a card and give myself a
trial period before committing myself to a long-term permanent return to
cyber-life – it would seem to be the wisest course of action and it would allow
me the opportunity to find more study material, particularly on meditative
practices which I am keen on making a part of my on-going course of
self-improvement and healing.
I’m a little worried that my little voice has been
rather quiet lately except for the urge it gave me to go for that quick
night-time stroll by the river. I could
do with some creative impulse to kick start some more poetry writing or some
other creative output but I also know that trying to force myself is just going
to end in me feeling depressed at my failure to produce anything so I must just
wait for the time to be right. My little
voice has been extremely helpful up ‘til now so I must believe that it is being
silent for a good reason and that waiting is the right thing to do at the
moment.
13th January 2009 *
I wrote another one of my experimental poems. It is in much the same vein as my previous
one and I’m fairly sure that I was able to keep to the same rules; however, I
will be checking it again in the most minute detail. Details of another poem have also made their
way to the surface of my consciousness; lines that have been in my mind for
quite a while are now just waiting for the rest of the poem to join them so
that they may be written down and forgotten.
People tend to see me as a bit of a waste of space
really. They don’t want to see or are
unable to see that I am a reasonably intelligent man who thinks quite deep
thoughts at times. In a way, that is why
I write poetry and why I’m trying my hand at art. It is my way of communicating my thoughtful
side to people who would otherwise not listen to me.
In a way I’m still haunted by my suicide attempt
because I know now that it would be so easy for me to let it happen again. The painting that I’m doing kind of
represents how I’m feeling at the moment – trapped in a living darkness,
completely at its mercy, and having bits of my hidden self revealed to me in
fragmentary moments of reflective clarity.
It’s an uncomfortable feeling to be living with.
20th January 2009
I’m not really someone who constantly reads the stuff
I write but today I took the opportunity to re-read all my finished poems and
found myself pleasantly surprised by what I read. Some of the poems are very well written with
good descriptive language whilst others seem to cut through the bullshit and
get right to the point. They may not be
great literature but my poems do present the reader something worth reading,
something thought provoking. The darker
poems are certainly written from the heart, painting a picture of depression
that is both accurate for the reader to put themselves in the mind of a
depressive and difficult to deny for sufferers.
That is not to say that all depressives suffer in the same way but that
there are similarities in how all depressives feel. My poems might actually strike a chord with
other people and may prove to be a comfort to them when they realise that they
are not alone in feeling the way they do.
I know that I felt a little better when I found out that Jung had a
similar duality of personality as I do even if we handle it in totally different
ways.
1st February 2009 *
I woke up today with the greatest sense of personal
insignificance. It is not the first time
I have had such thoughts but it is the first time that they have been my first
thoughts of the day. I have always known
that when I die I will not leave even the slightest imprint on history; there
will be no Myles-shaped hole in the lives of the people I have known. The only legacy I will leave is a few
mediocre poems and a single piece of art.
I have no children and I have a suspicion that I never will have. All these thoughts were with me upon
awakening followed closely by the questions that have haunted me for as long as
I can remember – who are you and what do you want?
2nd February 2009 *
Whilst I was reading my book on the sofa I had an
incredible feeling come over me. I can
only describe it as a ‘eureka’ moment, a moment of supreme revelation like two
pieces of a mental jigsaw suddenly falling into place. The only problem is that I have absolutely no
idea what the revelation was about apart from the fact that it had nothing to
do with the subject of the book I was reading.
The fact that I consciously acknowledged and recorded the fact that a
revelation had occurred must mean that it is somehow important to me so I must
try to figure out what it was.
14th February 2009
I wish I knew what is wrong with me. I just can’t pull myself together and I’m at
a complete loss to work out why. I
really need something to ease this growing feeling of being cast adrift
again. For a while I really thought I
was getting somewhere and now I seem to be going backwards again. I seem to be losing interest in stuff I like
and I’m becoming increasingly bored with just about everything. What’s wrong with me?
19th February 2009
So much for getting caught up with my sleep. I spent most of last night in a state of
restlessness, tossing and turning yet again.
I’ve got a headache through lack of proper sleep and my brain is
becoming so sluggish it’s getting hard to think.
Saw the psychiatrist today to review my
medication. I told him about my anger
problem and that I’m tending to become angry at the slightest provocation and
that the anger seems to be bordering more towards rage. I’m not sure but I think that he believes
that my current anti-depression meds may be responsible for the rage
problem. He offered me three options for
my medication – 1) increase my current meds to the maximum dose of 45mg, 2)
stay at the current dosage of my current meds but supplement it with another
anti-depressant to be taken in the morning, or 3) stop the anti-depressants
altogether and start taking a mood stabiliser instead. Each option has its own share of difficulties
– 1) would make me drowsy and increase my appetite, 2) could add extra side
effects to the ones I already have because of the new drug and 3) could affect
my ability to write my poems or any other means of artistic expression even
though he was suggesting a mood stabiliser a little less drastic than
Lithium. We eventually settled on option
2 as he didn’t want to risk increasing the problems I’ve had with my current
meds or risk me losing my creative ability even if there was only a small
chance of that happening so I now have even more expense to look forward to and
another pill to add to the collection I have to take every day.
The psychiatrist also said that he was going to put me
forward for more therapy. Oh joy!
21st February 2009
Another day, another headache. I’m feeling so low now I can barely build up
the enthusiasm to breathe. Little things
are really getting to me and causing me to explode with anger. I need to find a way to sort myself out and
quickly before I do myself or someone else some serious damage.
Sometimes I think I’m going mad because my mind gets
so muddled due to boredom and depression or because someone does something that
defies sense or logic and the rest of the world accepts what the person did
without batting an eyelash. What I’d
like to know is – who makes up the rules?
Who decides that the world should accept vile, talentless and intellectually
stunted people as celebrities just because they spent a few weeks in the
equivalent of a human rat’s maze, a shallow human peep show? Suddenly we are asked to ignore any bad
behaviour they have ever done and probably still do and consider them role
models. We are supposed to feel happy
for them when something good happens to them despite the fact that their
celebrity status makes them extraordinarily better off than the public that put
them where they are. We are supposed to
gloss over how vile they are and forget their disgusting behaviour when
something bad happens to them. We have
to feel sorry for them and praise them for their courage in the face of their
tragedy despite the fact that hundreds or thousands have to face similar
tragedies in their own lives without the support the “celebrities” can get from
being in the media all the time. The
people with true courage in the face of personal tragedy are the ordinary
people who have to face their tragedy with little or no support.
28th February 2009 *
Today I was reminded of why I fell in love with Diana
in the first place and, although we’ve had a period of troubles during the last
year, I hope we can get at least a little of what we had back. We had something special and I mucked it all
up like I tend to muck everything up but I hope we can patch things up.