Mid-life blues

They say that life begins at 40.  I have always had my doubts as to the validity of that statement.  Unfortunately, in about three weeks time, I will find out for myself as I am staring down the barrel of that particular gun and that date will mark 33 years of living in the darkest place you could ever find – depression.  Some call depression the common cold of mental health issues, a sentiment that only goes to trivialise just how bad depression can be for someone who suffers from it.  I only know that I have lived in what I call “the abyss” for so long that there is no hope for me to ever reach some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.  Recent events have made the situation worse for me and I can only see the bleakest of futures for myself as I am forced to withdraw from the few people who gave me some hope.

I have begun to continue my spiritual journey that has been on pause for some time because of all the distractions that have presented themselves to me.  The picture that is emerging for me is that I should never have become involved in the affairs of the rest of the human race and should have maintained the position of observer only.  All my forays into the affairs of others has done is to make me feel more and more worthless and used, something that I can ill-afford now.  I must isolate myself from the rest of humanity so that I can be who I am meant to be – a modern-day Cassandra, who can see the terrible future but who can do nothing to stop it as no one believes me.

I can see a dark and terrible storm coming on the horizon for the human race and I must prepare to chronicle it for the future, should there be one.  There are others like me out there who can see the way things are, the way things could be and the gigantic gulf between, and sense that their reason for being is to observe rather than become involved in the events that unfold around them.

From this moment on, apart from becoming involved in things that will, hopefully, make life better for me; I will no longer do anything for anyone.  I will observe and comment on events and situations so that others may act according to their own consciences but I will no longer get involved.  I must now look out for number one and follow the calling of my heart that tells me that I must isolate myself in order to continue my search for my personal truth, return to my spiritual journey that I hope will bring me peace.

I hope that becoming 40 will actually signify the end of my life rather than the beginning as I grow weary of life and long only for eternal peace away from the rest of the human race that has brought me nothing but misery and pain.