Saturday, 15 February 2014

The way I'm feeling (or not as the case may be)

Following my last entry I was asleep for approximately another eleven hours before awakening into the Hell that is my life again.  With everything that has happened in my personal life lately, I am surprised that my brain even wants to bring me back to consciousness but it does so anyway.  I’ve not really much to get up for any more and the removal of the only thing to keep me going, all because of some thin-skinned, boy-are-they-going-to-have-an-extremely-harsh-wake-up-call-when-they-hit-the-real-world social work students made un-contextualised comments about me , has totally destroyed me.  I’m not saying that I haven’t made mistakes but how can one learn from their mistakes if one is not given the chance to?  Indeed, how can one learn from mistakes that one has not been informed of?

Since taking my new medication, my body feels completely numb and that’s OK because it merely reflects how my mind and spirit feel right now.  It’s funny but feeling this way is giving life to the isolation I’ve always felt living amongst the rest of the human race.

I feel so alone now.  I mean, I’ve always been alone, even during my marriage.  No one truly wants to be around me unless they want to use me.  No one cares enough to stand and fight in my corner.  No one really wants me for me; all they really want is someone to look down on to make themselves feel better about their lives.

I can already feel myself falling back into a state of unconsciousness and so I must sign off now, hoping that the darkness I find myself in during that state persists forever and that waking up will be a memory that never repeats itself.

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