'Tis the silly season

I have made a great study of the Christmas period over the years and have come up with what I believe is the standard timetable for the silly season.  Placing the timetable on to this year I will give you the map to guide your Christmas festivities:

Phase One (29 November - 5 December):  Anxiety starts to build that you haven't bought any presents.  You search high and low for any money that has been lost down the back of the sofa to supplement what's left of your wages.  Thoughts turn to the coming Christmas party at work.

Phase Two (6 December - 12 December):  First round of Christmas parties.  You've completely forgotten to buy any presents but, as you're half drunk or hungover most of the time, you don't really care.  You start choosing the people you want to get off with at the party at work.  You complain that the roads around the shopping mall are gridlocked but can't think why.  Christmas cards start arriving through the post so you go out and buy the cheapest box of cards you can to reciprocate.

Phase Three (13 December - 19 December):  Anxiety turns to worry as you finally remember about not having got any presents.  Worry turns to anger as the shops are packed solid with other people desperately trying to buy their loved ones presents (they may even be buying some for their family!).  You see the petrol that you bought at a highly inflated price disappear as you're stuck in a gridlock for hours on end.  The work's Christmas party turns into a free for all as everyone grabs at the nearest available alcohol to make it easier to get off with their chosen colleague.  Some smart ass decides to photocopy their naked butt and pins up the copies all over the place.  People start to take bets on whose butt it is.  Alcohol levels are getting so high that you're endangering your life but that's OK because it's Christmas.

Phase Four (20 December - 23 December):  You suffer from alcohol related total amnesia and a sense that you may have really embarrassed yourself but can't think how.

Phase Five (24 December):  Full blown panic attack as you regain your memory and realise that it's Christmas Eve and you haven't finished the Christmas shopping.  You call work to tell them that you're sick so that you can spend what you can of the day (when you're not stuck in traffic) trying to rush around the shops.  Grocery shopping is more like a trolley dash as you grab things off the shelves and hope that it's something you and your family like.

Phase Six (25 December - 26 December):  Eat, drink and be merry until you open your presents and are extremely disappointed with yet another pair of novelty socks and things from the pound store.

Phase Seven (27 December - 30 December):  Over-indulgence makes it impossible to get to work so you sit watching crap on the TV and moaning about the crap you were given as presents.  Some adventurous people may make it out to the shops to return their gifts for store credit.

Phase Eight (31 December - 1 January):  Getting drunk with family and friends whilst making New Year's Resolutions that are almost immediately broken and forgotten.

Phase Nine (2 January - 9 January):  Slow detoxing from the Christmas period.

Hope this timetable is of help to you!

Oooooooooooo, isn't it cold?

I don't know about you but I'm loving the cold weather.  Thanks to the chill in the air, the shops have been almost empty of people and the roads have been surprisingly clear of traffic.  I'm not saying that I like the cold itself, only the advantages afforded to those of us brave enough to go out in it.

Christmas, on the other hand, I can well do without.  The relentless bloody happiness.  The stress.  The crowded shops.  The inevitable "X Factor" Christmas single.  Who needs it?  I'm going to treat this Christmas as just another day, no better or worse than the one before and the one before that.  I think that Scrooge had the right idea - let me keep Christmas in my way and you keep it in yours.

Regrets

I think that in doing everything I have done in the past couple of years to raise awareness of mental health problems has kind of backfired on me.  It is true that I have had some modest success in my efforts but it has come at a terrible cost to myself.

As you may or may not be aware, there is a great deal of stigma and discrimination surrounding mental health issues that can affect both your chances of getting a partner or getting a job if they find out about your particular problem although there are supposed to be safeguards to help you with regards to employment (in the UK, at least).  The Disability Discrimination Act was widened to accommodate mental health problems so that people so afflicted would not be discriminated against when trying to find work among other things.  The DDA, however, does not really offer the protection it was meant to offer as a prospective employer just needs to find another reason not to employ you, such as "someone with a bit more experience came along" or "another applicant was better qualified for the post".

The problem I now face is that, because I have done some relatively high profile events in Thurrock, all someone has to do is Google my name and they will be graced with video clips and blogs that shout out "I have a mental health problem".  How then am I supposed to get a job?  The same problem applies to trying to get a date so I am really beginning to regret having started all of this, especially as the funding for the Forum I chair is stopping at the end of March which doesn't really matter as the organisation that is supposed to be providing the support has withdrawn that support resulting in the Forum being completely paralysed and unable to function anyway.

As everything that I have tried to build up falls down around me I am left with nothing and no hope of finding a job or that special someone to spend my life with.  I am, therefore, really regretting starting all this.

Another untitled poem

Yes, I know I seem to be posting nothing but poems at the moment but I have to post what come to mind and, at the moment, that's poetry.  This is a poem I wrote last night by candlelight.  I hope you like it.

Flickering candlelight

The deathly silence of the night

I’m all alone and feeling hollow

As another pill I swallow

And hope it somehow achieves its goal

To banish the darkness from my soul.

I watch the flickering candle flame

From second to second never quite the same

Representing the light that my life lacks

And creating patterns in melting wax

Burning low to a waxy pool

Until there is no flame at all.

Silence deep, an almost tangible thing

Swooping down on night’s dark wing

I sit alone and dream and wonder

As my world is torn asunder

By forces that I can’t control

That wish to feed on my very soul.

As darkness takes me in its embracing arms

I relish all its morbid charms

A taste of future ultimate Oblivion

For I am an abyssal scion

My home will be eternal night

With fading dreams of candlelight.

© Myles Cook, 19/11/2010

Feel free to comment on any of my posts.

Mid-life blues

There comes a time in your life when you realise that you have no idea what you're doing, what you've achieved or even who you really are.  I have reached that point now.  I wonder what the point of life is if all it does is leave you with more questions than answers.  Am I the only person to feel like this?  Or am I just going mad?

Untitled Poem

Here's a poem I wrote last night.

A pain so raw

A cut so deep

An agony so boundless

As to negate the soft caress of Time.

The gates of Oblivion thrown open

The agents of Chaos loosed

The demons of Hell spew forth

To tear at the souls of the hopeless.

A darkness born of despair

A purgatory born of self-hatred

A fire born of malice

Searing the flesh of the dispossessed.

A longing left unsated

A dream left unrealised

A hope left unfulfilled

Leaving so many souls tortured by empty lives.

This is the world I live in

A place where darkness reigns

A timeless battleground

Where Light itself has died.

© Myles Cook, 15/11/2010

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