Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Another dark day

In a blinding flash earlier this evening I finally caught a glimpse at how my wife truly despises me.  I admit to making a stupid mistake a few years ago but I don’t deserve the hatred that is being hurled at me.

My wife seems to love blaming me for everything that went wrong with our marriage and ignores her part in the marriage failing.  I’m too nice a man to go into details about what the problems were in our relationship but, having seen what my wife has said about me, I’m wondering if I should be less gentlemanly and just blow the lid off of the sorry state our marriage was in.

I have held up my hands and come clean to my family about the mistakes I’ve made and, to my eternal surprise, they have been rather supportive although that may have been because when I told them I had just come out of hospital having had treatment for an overdose of anti-depressants.

What I don’t understand is that I thought my wife and I had reached a kind of mutual agreement to stay together and then she pulls out the “I want a divorce” conversation.  Then, to confuse matters even more, she’ll do something really nice for me that makes me think that, perhaps, there’s still hope for us.  Of course, then she’ll talk about divorce again and I really don’t know where I stand with her.

I realise that I’m not exactly the greatest catch in the world but does that give her the right to keep treating me this way?  Before we got married, I told her that I was, and still am, an emotional cripple and find it hard to express love but I have tried my hardest to make her feel loved and supported.  I know that she has had to financially support us both since I had to leave my last job but that was due to my failing mental health and hardly my fault.  It was not as though she was not told about my depressive condition before we got married either.

It’s just not fair that I’m being solely held responsible for what has transpired in our marriage.  If my wife had come clean about her problems, we could have worked something out but now I feel hurt and betrayed.

Perhaps it was a mistake getting married in the first place but then hindsight is 20/20.

Perhaps I should have just remained alone my whole life.

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