Thursday, 27 June 2013

Some soul searching

I have been doing a bit of soul searching over the past couple of days - about my desire for death, about my continuing contributions to Your Thurrock, about my lack of forward movement in virtually every aspect of my life - and I have come up with some answers, even if they happen to upset or annoy some people.

I still want to die, consciously at least, and if I could find a way to commit suicide in such a way that my organs might still be used for transplantation, I would certainly wish to take my life.  That may require some assistance and I would be eternally grateful if the UK Government would permit me a special dispensation to have an assisted suicide but I know that won't happen although it would cut the welfare bill by £6000 a year.

As for Your Thurrock, I'm not exactly sure what to do really.  I could continue to write stuff for the site but I'd be doing it for free and I'm not sure whether my contributions are leading me towards a paying job or whether I'm just going to be working for nothing for ever.  I love doing the writing; well, I love doing the blogs and the news items but not the historical column so much.  As much as I love the writing though, I have been getting rather frustrated with the fact that my last piece, which was supposed to be serialised over the course of a couple of weeks, has only had the first section posted and that was over two months ago.  It took me over a month of research and writing to complete the piece and it has remained mostly unread.  I have received quite a deal of criticism over the first section for the lack of my personal view on the subject and the delay in posting the later parts is just adding fuel to the fire.  I feel as though all my work was for nothing.

There's also the fact that the training that I was offered hasn't really materialised and the fact that the formatting of the last piece I wrote wasn't kept so the painstaking work I put in adding emphasis to different parts was lost.

It actually feels now that I am being used for my writing and just picked up when I'm needed and ignored when I'm not needed.  As a result, I'm actually thinking of just giving up writing for Your Thurrock and hoping that I can find another outlet for my writing.

My lack of forward momentum in life is harder to rectify as part of the problem is my mental health issue and my age. I mean, how am I supposed to get a job at my age when there's so much discrimination surrounding mental illness?  It doesn't help that my qualifications aren't exactly the best in the world and my attempts at trying to improve my employment prospects have all come to naught.

My life won't improve without a steady income and I can't get that without a job.  My skillset is quite a diverse one but it doesn't seem to help me move forward in life.

My marriage is wrecked and my home life is complicated at best with my wife wanting a divorce but neither of us having the money to go through with one.  The housing department of the local council hasn't helped us one bit in trying to get separate accommodation so I can't even start to have a love life to try to brighten my drab life a little.

I don't know what to do to change my fortunes regarding moving forward in life and all my ideas that I've come up with have just brought me back to the exact place I'm in now.

It's typical that days of soul searching have come to almost nothing but a realisation that I should leave the only 'work' I like doing because it's going nowhere even if I do get more readers with it than I get with this blog.

Perhaps I should just let myself slip into my hibernation cycle and try to remain in it for an extended period.  It would at least give me time to consider what I could do.

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