Monday, 29 November 2010

'Tis the silly season

I have made a great study of the Christmas period over the years and have come up with what I believe is the standard timetable for the silly season.  Placing the timetable on to this year I will give you the map to guide your Christmas festivities:

Phase One (29 November - 5 December):  Anxiety starts to build that you haven't bought any presents.  You search high and low for any money that has been lost down the back of the sofa to supplement what's left of your wages.  Thoughts turn to the coming Christmas party at work.

Phase Two (6 December - 12 December):  First round of Christmas parties.  You've completely forgotten to buy any presents but, as you're half drunk or hungover most of the time, you don't really care.  You start choosing the people you want to get off with at the party at work.  You complain that the roads around the shopping mall are gridlocked but can't think why.  Christmas cards start arriving through the post so you go out and buy the cheapest box of cards you can to reciprocate.

Phase Three (13 December - 19 December):  Anxiety turns to worry as you finally remember about not having got any presents.  Worry turns to anger as the shops are packed solid with other people desperately trying to buy their loved ones presents (they may even be buying some for their family!).  You see the petrol that you bought at a highly inflated price disappear as you're stuck in a gridlock for hours on end.  The work's Christmas party turns into a free for all as everyone grabs at the nearest available alcohol to make it easier to get off with their chosen colleague.  Some smart ass decides to photocopy their naked butt and pins up the copies all over the place.  People start to take bets on whose butt it is.  Alcohol levels are getting so high that you're endangering your life but that's OK because it's Christmas.

Phase Four (20 December - 23 December):  You suffer from alcohol related total amnesia and a sense that you may have really embarrassed yourself but can't think how.

Phase Five (24 December):  Full blown panic attack as you regain your memory and realise that it's Christmas Eve and you haven't finished the Christmas shopping.  You call work to tell them that you're sick so that you can spend what you can of the day (when you're not stuck in traffic) trying to rush around the shops.  Grocery shopping is more like a trolley dash as you grab things off the shelves and hope that it's something you and your family like.

Phase Six (25 December - 26 December):  Eat, drink and be merry until you open your presents and are extremely disappointed with yet another pair of novelty socks and things from the pound store.

Phase Seven (27 December - 30 December):  Over-indulgence makes it impossible to get to work so you sit watching crap on the TV and moaning about the crap you were given as presents.  Some adventurous people may make it out to the shops to return their gifts for store credit.

Phase Eight (31 December - 1 January):  Getting drunk with family and friends whilst making New Year's Resolutions that are almost immediately broken and forgotten.

Phase Nine (2 January - 9 January):  Slow detoxing from the Christmas period.

Hope this timetable is of help to you!

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