Sunday, 13 December 2015
A terrible day among bad days
I think the title of this entry says it all really. Today is a really terrible day for me as I feel the loss of my beloved cat Merlin even more keenly than the preceding days.
It’s not the inability to remember what he looked like that’s the problem but the fact that he left a gigantic hole in my life and there’s nothing in the world that can fill it. Waves of tearfulness come crashing down upon me and they are wearing me down as it is in the nature of water to do so.
No one in my life understands just how deeply I am wounded and how hollow and meaningless my life has become. Losing Merlin came upon a tsunami of misfortunes that have decimated what I laughingly refer to as my life and, whilst I have somewhat overcome some of those misfortunes, there are still enough continuing to damage my fragile psyche.
Oh, I can whack out some humorous memes and make the odd humorous remark but inside I’m dying, pieces of my soul worn away by grief, loneliness and the eternal blackness within which I live.
The light that once shone throughout my life has gone and, piece by piece, it’s killing me. The most stupid things trigger suicidal thoughts in me and I feel the greatest urge to act upon them so that I can be with my beloved Merlin even though I know that there is nothing beyond this torturous life. My head feels as though it is numb and filled with cotton wool.
I don’t think I’ll be able to make it through Christmas without something giving.