Sunday, 4 May 2014

Sunday 4th May 2014

I've been awake all night and the headache that remains a constant companion to me has gotten worse.

I have very little to look forward to and very little to hope for despite trying my best to alter the downward direction my life is taking.  It seems as though doing everything by the book has done nothing but backfire on me and I am left to be haunted by the spectre of trying to do the right thing and the memories of the damage done to my life.

Even when I acknowledge the mistakes I have made, I am penalised by those who believe they can do no wrong.  I am seemingly held to a higher standard and treated harshly when I fail to meet those standards.  Some would call that unfair.  Some might call that discriminatory.  Some might call that victimisation.  Not, however, those who stand in judgment over me.

I have done everything expected of me to justify my benefit payments and yet they have been stripped from me too.  My health issues have not gone; they have, in fact, worsened as my mental health issues are joined by further physical health issues that both cause a physical deterioration in my body but also negatively affect my mental health.

I look for work that I know in my heart I'm not ready to undertake but knowing full well that I have no choice in the matter.  My search for work is further complicated by the fact that I have been out of the job market for almost nine years and there is still too much stigma surrounding mental ill-health and no amount of anti-discrimination legislation will improve my chances because none of it is fully enforced and there are too many ways around compliance.

I have been regretting allowing the stranger who stopped me committing suicide from going through with my plans as the glimmer of hope the stranger represented turned out to be nothing but another false hope.  I am in physical pain and emotional pain and I see no end to either.


  1. If someone helped you when you needed the most you should be grateful to that person instead of judging this person to be another false hope... Did you ever think about what that person was going through ?? Anyway, it is HUMAN to try to help someone of NOT committing suicide... People who is committing suicide are 100% egoist.... My sister did it 2 years ago and I wish she could have "another false hope" to save her...

    1. I was not judging the person, Chouclaque, I was saying that the hope turned out to be false because, although the person was good and kind, in comparison with what happened later, the hope offered (which was in itself a true glimmer of hope) was made false by later events.

      People who commit suicide are not egotists, they are individuals who are at the end of their tether but it's nice to see that, whilst you accuse me of judging someone (which I wasn't), you are quite happy to judge those who find themselves so desperate that they feel the need to commit suicide.

      I'm sorry that your sister felt the need to kill herself but she must have done it because she was an egotist (or that's what you must think due to your assertion that "People who is committing suicide are 100% egoist"). No one should feel the need to end their own life but genuine hope is the only true means to save someone, all other 'hope' just postpones the inevitable.