Thursday, 13 March 2014
I am not a sex maniac!
For those of you who have read the four-part series “What made me the man I am today”, I realise that I have may have given you the impression that the only reason my marriage ran into trouble was because my wife refused physically intimacy between us. Now, while this is true, I should have clarified the position a little. It is not just the act of making love to which I refer but also displays of affection such as holding hands in public or kissing, all of which my wife was not keen on. As you can imagine, the ‘rejection’ that this signified to my mind made me feel undesirable and unloved and simply fuelled the depression from which I suffer to the point that I was susceptible to anyone who was willing to make me feel loved and desired.
Of course, sex is an important part of a relationship and, for me, is the ultimate act of love because the act leaves you vulnerable, both physically and emotionally, and represents the merging of two souls and the combining of two individuals at the spiritual level.
I know my addiction to porn is supposed to make the act of sexual union become nothing more than animalist rutting but it has never changed my opinion of women or the sexual act. Yes, I have the same sexual fantasies as most red-blooded heterosexual males of bed-hopping, gymnastic, primal, animalistic sex for its own sake with numerous unnamed female partners but I am a romantic type of guy who would never objectify women in that way in the real world and I would certainly never wish to defile such a sacred act by engaging in it with someone with whom I have no emotional or spiritual connection.
I suppose it’s my old fashioned attitude to sex that kept me on the straight and narrow until I finally lost my virginity to my wife. Although I had an emotional connection with Layla and Lisa, they rejected me so I never actually got a chance to make that deeper connection with either of them.
I am certainly not saying that I would have had to wait for marriage to approach a more physical relationship with a woman, if I found a new partner with whom I had an emotional connection I would certainly not insist on marriage before we became intimate. It just transpired that Diana is not that kind of woman. She wanted to wait for marriage and I loved her enough to honour and respect her wishes on this issue. It’s just a shame that Diana had other reasons for her reluctance that I would not be made aware of until the damage to our marriage and my feelings of self-worth had been done.
So, if there are any ladies out there who are looking for a meaningful relationship with a 42-year-old, principled, old-fashioned (in some respects), romantic, large-framed, socially inept, emotionally damaged depressive loser, then I’m your man!