Sunday, 13 October 2013

Back to square one...?

So, after several good things happening to me, the other foot has finally dropped and I’m in a bad situation that I thought had been resolved.  The resolution may not have been to the satisfaction of either party but was, I thought, an amicable solution.

I was, however, wrong.  My wife has renewed her request for a divorce today and I’m devastated.  All I have to look forward to now is a struggle to find someone to support me in my efforts to handle the divorce, my need for benefits and separate social housing and the increased daily struggle against my depression.

The work I’ve been doing to improve my condition have only been possible because I have had the support of my wife, despite our marital problems, and without her, I can see myself becoming socially isolated again.  As my social isolation gets worse, my depression and social anxiety will likewise worsen and the personality disorder that my psychiatrist believed I may also suffer from will be pushed from borderline to full-blown status.

I’m not sure what to do now.  My wish for an assisted suicide will probably come back at full strength again as well; it’s never far from my mind but as things have gotten better for me, the desire has diminished in response.  Where does this turn of events leave me now?

I still love my wife.  Yes, I made a terrible mistake but I’m not entirely to blame for the situation that led to the mistake I made.  It seems, though, that I am being entirely blamed for everything and will bear the brunt of the pain that is to come.

I doubt I will ever find anyone who will even look at me twice, let alone want a relationship with me, so the idea that a divorce will free me up for another relationship is kind of hollow.

My work on mental health awareness is a matter of note and documented on the internet so I can’t hide my problem from potential partners who will just run a mile when they realise I’m mentally unwell.

I really thought my life was working itself out at last and now the rug has been pulled out from under me again and I’m staring into the fucking Abyss again.


  1. Valen, I am familiar with you thru Adorabelle and Facebook and might I say HORSEPUCKEY? Honey, you are a beautiful vibrant talented young man with tons of love and your own unique perspective to lend to whatever situation at hand. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know from whence I speak. My Grandmother committed suicide when I was 5. I found her body. I miss her daily and I'm still haunted by her choice. I've fought with depression most of my adult life. I finally found a medication that helps me. But it's not just meds, a huge portion of getting better is attitude. "Fake it till you make it" is what has gotten me through. Please don't give up. There are many who care.
    Megan Haskins

  2. I have to agree with what Megan Haskins siad. Well said.

  3. Thank you for your comments, Megan and Ant. I know in my heart you're right but I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on for. I suppose time will tell, it always does.

    1. I'm so glad to see you still "pluging" along Valen. The upcoming winter months have me dreading life on a daily basis. The bitter cold of midwest winters makes me ache and yearn for summers return. I'm always pleased to check out your new entries from facebook.
      Megan Haskins